A Small Journal Entry

Yesterday I had a really rough day. However, today was a lot better. Mainly because I think I realized one of the reasons for why I am here. I'm warning those who are reading that this is kind of a ridiculous entry. Sometimes I get into really reflective moods and just need to type out things. Usually I just do it in word documents, but I think this is pretty pertinent to the abroad experience. Here, we have little to distract us from the fact that we are in Ghana. Or power goes out, or water stops flowing, I go without showers, I sweat incessantly, and yet, these are just luxuries of life. Today I was laying on my bed mulling over a Skype conversation I had had with my mom yesterday and she brought up the topic of religion. And I had trouble articulating why, but I couldn't talk about it. Instead, I just cried. It was really weird- but here you can just feel so lonely sometimes, you know? So, while my mom tried to find out why I couldn't really talk about God without being a huge mess, I tried to mop up my tears and stop people from staring at the crazy white girl in the corner. haha. However,  today I realized that one thing I have been focusing on a lot here is figuring out who I am. I actually have no idea who Jessie is. I know who people at Muhlenberg think Jessie is, I know who my family thinks Jessie is, I know who Sam thinks Jessie is, who Ethan thinks I am, but who do I think I am? What makes me tick, and how do I actually want to spend my time here?

I have an incredible issue of comparing myself to others. I think of what I want to do and then look around to make sure someone else will follow me. I have difficulty taking initiative (not a very good quality in an actress) but I have been working on it. Here, I feel even more isolated to the point where I am not around the Muhlenberg atmosphere where I already have a defined purpose. I am a student. I have friends, I have family, I have professors, classes, a room in East, a chair in Seegers, a spot in line at Java Joes, etc. Who am I without that persona? I was thinking about this and then trying to find out what I want myself to be.   A pretty demanding statement but I had never really thought about it before. I guess what I want to say is that I want to examine myself here. I want to figure out what I turn to when I am scared and lonely and have no turkey sandwiches to shove down my throat. What do I do when I go on a weekend trip without any of my close friends and I need to find a roommate. What do I do when I am not acting and have no practice rooms to blast out my lungs singing Jamie Cullum, Beyonce, Sherie Rene Scott. I want to peel back all of the layers to find who I am at the core. I feel like this is the best way to gain authority over myself as a person, as an actor, and just as a performer in general. I need to know what my strengths and weaknesses are. Some people have no trouble knowing what their own are- I personally only have a vague idea. This thought consumed me for awhile and then I decided to take a picture of myself. I had been sleeping and listening to Hillsongs (look them up, awesome band) and I wanted to see what I look like naturally- beneath all of the layers. No makeup, no hair straightening, no special effects. This is what I found.

Here I am. And honestly, there is nothing special there. I look perfectly normal. Shiny skin from the sweat, blue eyes, scraggly hair, a purple tank top. I'm just me. Just me. Not particularly stunning, but not ugly. Just...normal. Now...who am I. I think when I find this out, I will be able to open myself back up to God. Or at least see what "religion" has in store for me. I guess it makes sense that you aren't able to really fully engage yourself in relationships until you know who you yourself are. 

But yeah. Honestly, you can completely disregard this blog post- but I wanted to maybe show my parents, my family, whoever really, whats going on in my head. I am a mess of a person, but I like who I am. I am incredibly blessed to have family that love me, and friends who still talk to me even though i am thousands of miles away. I am very lucky. I promise the posts will be more normal after this.